Well, the situation at work is not improving much. No longer is it a sense of being overwhelmed but rather a sense of boredom. Refer back to a post at the beginning of September, and that's the basic gist: my days are not full in the least. Generally, I spend a good couple of hours trying to find ways to keep busy either by emailing people on my work account (which is not really workable, always, because the thing I have to talk about most is work and my current discontent) or surfing the 'net aimlessly for anything that could be mildly entertaining yet still construed as being somewhat related to grants.
But here's the kicker: even when I do have stuff to do, I don't really enjoy it all that much. Yes, there is this twisted part of me that likes seeing words come together on a page to clearly communicate a concept, but even that is brief. I don't like the rest of it, the cold phone calls to foundations that have never heard of "Mercy Hospital Cadillac," smile-in-the-voice, and really have no clue why I would even think to call them. Gee, maybe it's because I have always HATED asking for money! What the heck am I doing in FUND DEVELOPMENT?!?!?
Following the crazy, emotional time back in September, I am now just plain bored. After discussing matters with my mom at the beginning of October, I decided to give this a shot until the beginning of next year and then, if I was still feeling this way, I figured I could start seriously looking for something else. Why the end of the year? Mitch's benefits, for which I will be enrolled, don't kick in until then and going without health insurance would not be a good idea.
I looked at the Traverse City Chamber of Commerce's website to see if they had anyone listed under the position for which they wanted to hire me, and nope, no one there! Now that does not mean they did not fill the position, but it kind of seems that way. Not to sound conceited, but they really wanted me. If two separate phone calls trying to convince me otherwise after I had decline the job does not say that, I don't know what does.
So I pray. A lot. I pray for God's guidance here, I pray that he will show me where to go. Last night I fell asleep in a combination of prayer and imagining; what would it be like if I tried to make a move to the Chamber? What would my days look like? Would Mitch and I move somewhere in between TC and Cadillac, where he is sure to be placed next month? Would they even consider me after I already turned down a job offer for them? Could I really tell my boss that this isn't working for me? I wonder if he'd understand...they say they hired me for my passion, but I'm not feeling passionate about this.
It's very easy to ask other people for their advice and listen to what they ahve to say. Mitch just got home and we talked about it...he's completely supportive of any choice I make and any adjustments we would have to make. I could call my parents right now and get very rational, common-sense advice from my father. But I try to pray and listen to God, and I'm never sure if I'm hearing him right. I thought he was leading me to Cadillac, to my current job. I know he works in mysterious ways, but would he lead me to one job, show me it's not for me, and lead me another way? Or was I not really listening to him then? Am I not really listening now? How, exactly, does one listen to God? I feel like I need to go into the woods and pray, by myself, and maybe then I'll be able to hear him, away from all other distractions.
So I'm going to pray about it, really hard. Am I supposed to try to move to a new job? When? Am I supposed to contact the Chamber soon and try to set something up for after January 1st, if there is anything available, or am I supposed to really truly give this job more of a chance and start looking and making contacts next year? I just don't know and I'm hoping I can open my heart up enough to hear what God has to say, because I really want to do his will, not mine. There's a line from the song Marc's singing at Mitch and my wedding that goes, "I'm allowed to live to make the maker smile," and I know it will make God smile when I follow him through life. So I'm trying. Hard.