So today I'm hanging out in Traverse City, presumably researching foundations. Now yes, I will be doing some work, but first I figure I'd better catch up on some personal Internet stuff, since my access is so limited. This is actually a really nice break...I mean, I have to spend a good couple of hours pouring over foundation directories, but I also got to ride to work with Mitch, I'll be eating lunch with him and then we'll be having dinner up here. It's like a mini-vacation, sort of.
Day-to-day life has been pretty calm for me. Mitch and I go mountain biking regularly, and I'm really starting to see and feel a difference in myself. On the trails I'm much more aggressive and don't get quite so tired anymore, and off the trail I generally just feel better for getting out and doing something physical. We also do some balance ball workouts and other strength training stuff occasionally, and boy do my abs hurt from our last session! We're also having fun cooking dinner together, usually on our new grill! And now that we have some cookware and things from various bridal showers, we can actually make a variety of food. Just last night I made brownies, and the whole apartment smelled like chocolate for the entire evening! Mmmm, brownies...
Wedding plans are coming along nicely. I'm kind of behind on my to-dos, but that's an ambitious list anyway. This weekend we're heading down to Mitch's parents' house for another shower, this time with his family. Apparently the women are going to do shower things and the guys are going to Mitch's grandpa's property (about 100 acres) to "shoot stuff." My dad is kind of excited because he gets to bring his gun and Bobby's looking forward to it, too. After that it's bachelor party time for Mitch, and he'll be playing paintball with Baleja, Davenport, my bro, his bro and some teachers/students from Matt's school. They're meeting up with Pete, Chels and Gary later for an evening in Lansing, and they'll be back the next morning. Meanwhile, I'll be hanging out with Mitch's mom and sisters, making grapevine wreaths for the centerpieces along with my mom, Gramma Carol, Adrienne and maybe Dayna, if she comes. So we have a full weekend of excitement, and once again I'll spend all next week playing catch up with cleaning, ironing and such. But it's worth it...I love seeing our families and spending time with friends. Oh, one thing I forgot: Friday night we are camping with the Adventure Club! I'm pumped for that...there's nothing like sitting around a fire with some of the greatest people in the world. And I may even get to wear my Carhartt, finally! It's probably the warmest jacket in the whole world, but because it's a work jacket I can't really wear it around or I look like a true redneck. Yeehaw!
Well, I suppose I should get to work, since there will only be about two hours until I meet Mitch for lunch. Let's hope I find some good stuff!
"So take this broken offering and make me whole,
Set my feet upon the road that leads me home,
let me walk as one fixed upon the goal,
even though I've got a thousand miles to go..."
Set my feet upon the road that leads me home,
let me walk as one fixed upon the goal,
even though I've got a thousand miles to go..."
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Saturday, September 25, 2004
Bouncing back
First off, Ryan, you are awesome. Thank you so much for your encouragement (and yes I changed my settings, because I was unaware they were not allowing you to post!) and things are getting better. I think I was being overemotional because of the intimidation thing. But I had a nice long crying jag with Mitch, who is wonderful to sit and lsiten to me. He really has a good sense, most of the time, about how much advice to offer and when to just give me a hug. Once I got it all out of my system, I was more rational and calmer. He pointed out that I just have to take things at work one step at a time, so that's how I approached things today and it seemed to be helpful. I also leaned a little more heavily on my boss than I have been doing, because I am not equipped to make major decisions on my own in terms of programs and how to go after funding, and I am also not willing to be a "middle man." By this I mean that I won't go to someone, find out their ideas, take them to Bryan, find out his thoughts, relay them back, and so on. Not yet, because I don't know enough about the way the organization works, etc.
I'd like to say I'll never doubt that I am following God's plan again, but I know that is impossible. I'm pretty fallible. I make a lot of mistakes and it is hard living my life in such a different manner than what I was used to. In fact, it's really only been a year since I consciously took hold of a journey of faith. But I'm learning more each day and God leads me purposely to things and people who will help me.
I'll close with my favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
I'd like to say I'll never doubt that I am following God's plan again, but I know that is impossible. I'm pretty fallible. I make a lot of mistakes and it is hard living my life in such a different manner than what I was used to. In fact, it's really only been a year since I consciously took hold of a journey of faith. But I'm learning more each day and God leads me purposely to things and people who will help me.
I'll close with my favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Intimidation
I hate finding out things you were not supposed to know. Employers keep certain things confidential for a reason, and people with no business saying anything should just keep their mouths shut, in my opinion. I was in a meeting at the beginning of the week with the education director at work, talking about some of her programs and picking up a grant proposal I wrote for her. I was talking about a concern I had in terms of a budget and mentioned wanting to be able to talk to other grant writers who had more experience, and she brings up this woman from Grayling, gushes about how successful she is, and told be she was actually the other candidate for my job. She said my boss’s biggest concern was that she lived in Grayling and was not planning to move…but she also told me that this other woman was actually her choice for the position.
OK, why, really, would you say something like that? It didn’t really get to me too much at the time…in fact, I thought the fact that they hired me, with no experience, over this woman with tons of experience was pretty incredulous. Now I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I’ve spent a lot of today trying not to cry when I think of how daunting the task ahead of me is. I’m not just writing grants…that would be too easy. I am trying to start up a whole grant writing campaign with no knowledge of how to do it, logistically speaking. I don’t know anything about the organization, what their priorities are, etc. etc. They hired me for my writing skills and my passion, according to what my boss and the CEO said. Well, I am thinking that they made a mistake. I’m not so sure the ability to put words on a page in a coherent fashion and a strong desire to tritely “make a difference” is enough to be successful in this job!
So I’m basically afraid they screwed up when they hired me and that they are going to regret it. I’m also afraid that I made the wrong decision, taking this job. The job in TC was so perfect…everything except the location, because of Mitch’s job. How large of an issue would that really be? He’s commuting from Traverse every day and we still have time to spend together in the evenings. We go biking, make dinner, relax, and all that stuff even though he has a long drive. What did I do?
I really felt, except for only a few days, that I followed God and took this job because it was where he was leading me. Now I’m not so sure if I really listened to him as well as I thought I did. I try to put my life in his control, I say I put my life in his control, but how do I know if I’m really doing that or not? How do I know when it’s my stubborn, fallible human mind that is telling me to do something and when it’s God? Yes, it seems pretty amazing that Mitch and I both got jobs that are technically in Cadillac (his training in TC won’t last forever!) and that I managed to get hired over someone with stellar experience. So this is God’s will, isn’t it? He does throw challenges into our lives and this is surely a challenge, and he wouldn’t want me to walk away from it, would he? It’s just that, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I made the wrong decision.
I think it’s just the intimidation factor at work here: I’m intimidated by this unknown person who was technically more qualified for this job than me, but I got it anyway. I’m intimidated by the sheer size of the task ahead of me and by the fact that my boss is tremendously busy with all this other stuff and I feel like I am bothering him when I have questions…through no fault of his own, I must add in fairness. It’s just silly, stupid me. Look at me, getting all choked up again. I need to go home, curl up on the couch with my cat, and cry while I wait for Mitch to get home and assure me that this is all part of the plan.
OK, why, really, would you say something like that? It didn’t really get to me too much at the time…in fact, I thought the fact that they hired me, with no experience, over this woman with tons of experience was pretty incredulous. Now I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I’ve spent a lot of today trying not to cry when I think of how daunting the task ahead of me is. I’m not just writing grants…that would be too easy. I am trying to start up a whole grant writing campaign with no knowledge of how to do it, logistically speaking. I don’t know anything about the organization, what their priorities are, etc. etc. They hired me for my writing skills and my passion, according to what my boss and the CEO said. Well, I am thinking that they made a mistake. I’m not so sure the ability to put words on a page in a coherent fashion and a strong desire to tritely “make a difference” is enough to be successful in this job!
So I’m basically afraid they screwed up when they hired me and that they are going to regret it. I’m also afraid that I made the wrong decision, taking this job. The job in TC was so perfect…everything except the location, because of Mitch’s job. How large of an issue would that really be? He’s commuting from Traverse every day and we still have time to spend together in the evenings. We go biking, make dinner, relax, and all that stuff even though he has a long drive. What did I do?
I really felt, except for only a few days, that I followed God and took this job because it was where he was leading me. Now I’m not so sure if I really listened to him as well as I thought I did. I try to put my life in his control, I say I put my life in his control, but how do I know if I’m really doing that or not? How do I know when it’s my stubborn, fallible human mind that is telling me to do something and when it’s God? Yes, it seems pretty amazing that Mitch and I both got jobs that are technically in Cadillac (his training in TC won’t last forever!) and that I managed to get hired over someone with stellar experience. So this is God’s will, isn’t it? He does throw challenges into our lives and this is surely a challenge, and he wouldn’t want me to walk away from it, would he? It’s just that, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I made the wrong decision.
I think it’s just the intimidation factor at work here: I’m intimidated by this unknown person who was technically more qualified for this job than me, but I got it anyway. I’m intimidated by the sheer size of the task ahead of me and by the fact that my boss is tremendously busy with all this other stuff and I feel like I am bothering him when I have questions…through no fault of his own, I must add in fairness. It’s just silly, stupid me. Look at me, getting all choked up again. I need to go home, curl up on the couch with my cat, and cry while I wait for Mitch to get home and assure me that this is all part of the plan.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Just to clarify...
I'm less obstinant today. At the behest of the wise Tim Slade, I am redoubling my efforts to read the Old Testament. I have to confess I blatently skipped over directions for building tabernacles and the like, since I don't see myself in that situation at any point, but reading the stories of the different people is really interesting. It's also helping me see that God will show me where I need to be, if I just LISTEN. Not that I'm expecting a burning bush on a mountain or anything, but I know something will tell me what to do in my life. I am convinced Mitch and I both ended up with jobs in Cadillac for a good reason, since it's kind of an obscure place to find two very good jobs, and I am trying to be content with that. And really, would I want to be plunging myself into the unknown? Not particularly. "If you are content to simply be yourself, you will become more than yourself," or something to that effect. Read that one in my little palm-sized New Testament while I was trying to get through a slow time at work.
On to something a little less pensive: Mitch and I went mountain biking up here for the first time last night! Let me tell you, it kicked my butt! Up and down, hill after hill after steep hill! I don't know what Grant was talking about...a "nice trail" my left knee! I was so tired, and here's the kicker: Mitch and I were not the most proficient at reading the map, so we ended up biking in the wrong direction and having to turn around and do the "hell in the woods" section ALL OVER AGAIN! Surprisingly, I'm not sore, though climbing the stairs at work brought a bit of pain. We're taking a night off from biking and working out with balance balls tonight after dinner...woo-hoo!
This weekend we're heading back to the old stomping grounds...that's right, Alma! Friday night we get to see Tim and Anna before they head off into the wild blue yonder...or Africa. Then we are going climbing (!) on Saturday (wall's open from 12:30-5:00, if anyone is interested) and taking Matt out to dinner for his birthday. Old man, he's going to be 23!
Well, I'm kind of sick of being at the computer, so I'm going to send a few more emails and be on my way!
On to something a little less pensive: Mitch and I went mountain biking up here for the first time last night! Let me tell you, it kicked my butt! Up and down, hill after hill after steep hill! I don't know what Grant was talking about...a "nice trail" my left knee! I was so tired, and here's the kicker: Mitch and I were not the most proficient at reading the map, so we ended up biking in the wrong direction and having to turn around and do the "hell in the woods" section ALL OVER AGAIN! Surprisingly, I'm not sore, though climbing the stairs at work brought a bit of pain. We're taking a night off from biking and working out with balance balls tonight after dinner...woo-hoo!
This weekend we're heading back to the old stomping grounds...that's right, Alma! Friday night we get to see Tim and Anna before they head off into the wild blue yonder...or Africa. Then we are going climbing (!) on Saturday (wall's open from 12:30-5:00, if anyone is interested) and taking Matt out to dinner for his birthday. Old man, he's going to be 23!
Well, I'm kind of sick of being at the computer, so I'm going to send a few more emails and be on my way!
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Restless and ranting
Oh my, whatever am I going to do with myself. Life is so wonderful...I have what I've always wanted, or thought I wanted: a nice little town and a good job, a great place to settle down...ach, those words "settle down" are suddenly making me cringe! That's right, I'm feeling restless, like now that I am kind of settled I should be getting up and moving on. A conversation with Mitch last night revealed the possible causes:
1. Work is moving too slow. I haven't had much to do since the initial first blast of submitting two urgent grants, and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything. Plus, I'm missing the passion on which I thrive. This is way nerdy, but last year, working with SIFE to make such big changes, I really felt like I was making a difference. I loved it, I would have done it for my job if I could, and now I'm chained to a computer (without being allowed any personal websurfing, no less!) trying to figure out how to get money for projects I of which I will never be a significant part (other than the money thing, which I guess is way significant, but it's not the same as say, actually DOING a program). I need to feel like I am actually accomplishing something. And yes, this will come in time at work, and yes, I just have to be patient, but NO, I don't want to wait!
2. This one is more obscure, I think. I am afraid no where will ever really feel like home, so I don't want to give this place a chance in case it fails. Maybe that is stretching it a bit, but I think I can see how it might work.
3. I am envious! Yes, envious of my friends who are either doing grea things, preparing to do great things, or have already done great things! I'm not ready to settle down to a nice country life because I haven't SEEN anything, I haven't DONE anything! Why aren't I having great adventures, living by the seat of my pants? I'll tell you why: because I am boring. I am safe and predictable and putting money into a retirement fund, for pete's sake. That's just me, but sometimes I wish I could be more.
OK, enough ranting, I'm going to rebel right here in the Cadillac Public Library, where I'm getting ready to settle down with a nice fat book of Michigan foundations and scan 3-columned pages for the words "health, health care, medicine, building," etc. Sorry for the confused negativity, that's not my usual style, but sometimes you just get, well, restless.
1. Work is moving too slow. I haven't had much to do since the initial first blast of submitting two urgent grants, and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything. Plus, I'm missing the passion on which I thrive. This is way nerdy, but last year, working with SIFE to make such big changes, I really felt like I was making a difference. I loved it, I would have done it for my job if I could, and now I'm chained to a computer (without being allowed any personal websurfing, no less!) trying to figure out how to get money for projects I of which I will never be a significant part (other than the money thing, which I guess is way significant, but it's not the same as say, actually DOING a program). I need to feel like I am actually accomplishing something. And yes, this will come in time at work, and yes, I just have to be patient, but NO, I don't want to wait!
2. This one is more obscure, I think. I am afraid no where will ever really feel like home, so I don't want to give this place a chance in case it fails. Maybe that is stretching it a bit, but I think I can see how it might work.
3. I am envious! Yes, envious of my friends who are either doing grea things, preparing to do great things, or have already done great things! I'm not ready to settle down to a nice country life because I haven't SEEN anything, I haven't DONE anything! Why aren't I having great adventures, living by the seat of my pants? I'll tell you why: because I am boring. I am safe and predictable and putting money into a retirement fund, for pete's sake. That's just me, but sometimes I wish I could be more.
OK, enough ranting, I'm going to rebel right here in the Cadillac Public Library, where I'm getting ready to settle down with a nice fat book of Michigan foundations and scan 3-columned pages for the words "health, health care, medicine, building," etc. Sorry for the confused negativity, that's not my usual style, but sometimes you just get, well, restless.
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