So I planned to write a lot last night, but I got distracted by my kitten, Chip. Remember that wierd character in American Beauty who was obsessed with the plastic bag? Well, Chip found a Meijer bag and played with it for a good half an hour...there's something really entertaining about a kitty pouncing on a bag, getting stuck, and dragging it around the room! He's really cute and sweet, so I thought I should play with him since he was home all day by himself.

Anyway, I think I can remember what I was going to talk about. Basically, I have been turning over the Cadillac vs. TC debate in my head since I got that email from the hospital, and it's driving me nuts! But, while I was laying in bed last night, I found some peace. I realized that I shouldn't look at this as a decision, persay. If I had to opportunity to take either job (which at this point I don't because I haven't heard from Cadillac) then I just have to find God's path for me. Kind of takes some weight off my shoulders, knowing that I can trust God to show me where I should go. In a way I can see him working even as I semi-agonize over this. I was so enthusiastic about this TC job; I was ready to take it and make it fit into my life, Mitch's life, and our life together. I really didn't look at anything except the job itself, but now, since I have more time than they led me to believe at first, I am looking at other things. Like being a part of a community, how much time Mitch and I would get to spend together, the values and goals of the organization, etc. etc. So, even though I was frustrated when TC called and said they wouldn't know for sure until August 3, I now see that as a positive thing because I have time to consider the alternatives.

It's kind of hard to explain the things that go through my mind, especially about God and religion since I feel relatively new to the faith that is growing inside me. There's a song, though, by a band called Ten Shekel Shirt (What is a shekel? Can anyone tell me?) that pretty much describes the way that I feel, both now and when I look back on my life before this past year:

As a child I remember things that just can't be explained away,
On the journey here unseen things seem to appear.

Maybe I have always known You,
I just didn't know it,
I have always wondered,
Why the wind seemed to call to me.

All my life,
And in fine form tonight,
Your love's been near,
Like a whisper loud and clear.

The silence may not cry out with sound, but,
It speaks Your name, Your names
And the dreaming of a better place, it rests deep in me,
You'd think this was meant to be.

Maybe I have always known You,
I just didn't know it,
I have always wanted all that you want for me.

Maybe I have always known You,
I just didn't know it,
I have always wanted,
Wanted you more than anything.

I remember feeling these pulls, every once in awhile, so powerful and strong yet quieter than the softest whisper. Once I was driving and I got this feeling telling me there was something else out there. I felt like I should just keep driving and driving and I would find it. That’s how it happened mostly, an urge to physically go somewhere far away and find something. Another time I was standing on the shores of Lake Michigan, and it was cool and gray, and I was there with someone who could stand right next to me yet still make me feel all alone. I felt this tug again and I wondered what it would feel like to start walking into the water, letting the waves that lapped at my toes curl around my ankles, knees, waist, until I was swimming farther and farther. I would find something, I was sure of it.

Other times, I would be outside in the woods, hearing the wind whisper through the trees. I would close my eyes and feel like I was a part of the wind, moving freely; and I never wanted to open my eyes because I would lose what I had been seeking. I couldn’t hold on to it and something inside me would ache because I still hadn’t found that “something else.” Well, over the past year, I've found "something else" and I'm trying to hold onto it for all I'm worth.