Can't find the words

Earlier this summer, I was a bridesmaid for my best friend from high school. I had mixed feelings about being in the wedding: she and I had definitely drifted apart during college and I even felt, often, that she and I didn't really know each other any more. Everything between us felt so automatic, from the semi-regular phone calls to the obligatory visits in our hometown. She's never the first person I think of spending time with when vacation or a free weekend rolls around; in fact, some of the time we'd spent together prior to the wedding left me feeling melancholy and misunderstood.

A few days before her bachelorette party, I sat down to wrap the gift I would cart to Chicago. Maybe this shouldn't come as a surprise, because writing has always played a role in our friendship - we published a newspaper together in elementary school, wrote poetry together and have presented each other with various writings at important times in our lives - but I had no trouble writing something really meaningful for her. I tied it into her gift, alluded to some marital advice and tried to make her think about the kind of marriage she wanted to have. I was rewarded with a hug and a few tears, and the uncanny feeling that maybe she and I still knew each other better than I thought.

Now I'm getting ready for a college friend's wedding and once again, I have the honor of being a bridesmaid. I've played a much more active role in this one, planning the bachelorette party and helping out the maid of honor with wedding day plans, as she is currently out of the country for school. Truthfully, I've been looking forward to this wedding more than the last one: after all, she's one of my favorite people to spend time with. We had some great memories in college and have become even closer since graduation. Her husband-to-be has become a good friend and we all do some of the most fun, crazy things together.

I've put a lot of time and energy into creative decorations for her party and thoughtful preparations for her wedding day. Ray's apartment will be covered with photos of him and the other gorgeous men whose hearts broke when Kristy announced her engagement. (Who knew Brad Pitt only hooked up with Angie because he couldn't have Kristy?) On her wedding night, she and Ray will return to their apartment to find it a romantic paradise, and when they open the big group wedding present I organized, they'll be blown away. (Seven of us went in on a tent, sleeping bags, sleeping pads and cookware - it's the best gift ever!)

For her bachelorette party gift, I collected photos from the other ladies attending the bachelorette party to make a scrapbook of all Kristy's best times with "the girls." So tonight, as I neared the end of the album, I decided to take a break from the sticky gluestick and messy black stamp pad to write the accompaniment to this gift. I expected the perfect words to flow off my pen, just as they had for Adrienne...but nothing came. I started and stopped, stared off into space and puked out something that sounded like a trite explanation of her gift.

So what's the deal? Why is it that I had an easier time writing something heartfelt for the friend I, honestly, like less? Why is it so much harder for me to even come up with a concrete message for the woman I now consider to be my best friend? I've posed the question on here before, but what really makes a best friend? Is it the person I'd rather spend time with or the person who's weathered the most with me? Is it the person I most readily laugh with or the person I've often cried with (and sometimes about)?

Maybe it's just that I've been so wrapped up in the logistics of this wedding that I haven't sat down to really think about what I want to tell Kristy before she gets married. Maybe this one will be harder because I'm not practiced at writing for her, as I've written for Adrienne for over sixteen years. Maybe it has nothing to do with the depth of our friendship and more to do with its length. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow feeling inspired...