Oh my, whatever am I going to do with myself. Life is so wonderful...I have what I've always wanted, or thought I wanted: a nice little town and a good job, a great place to settle down...ach, those words "settle down" are suddenly making me cringe! That's right, I'm feeling restless, like now that I am kind of settled I should be getting up and moving on. A conversation with Mitch last night revealed the possible causes:
1. Work is moving too slow. I haven't had much to do since the initial first blast of submitting two urgent grants, and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything. Plus, I'm missing the passion on which I thrive. This is way nerdy, but last year, working with SIFE to make such big changes, I really felt like I was making a difference. I loved it, I would have done it for my job if I could, and now I'm chained to a computer (without being allowed any personal websurfing, no less!) trying to figure out how to get money for projects I of which I will never be a significant part (other than the money thing, which I guess is way significant, but it's not the same as say, actually DOING a program). I need to feel like I am actually accomplishing something. And yes, this will come in time at work, and yes, I just have to be patient, but NO, I don't want to wait!
2. This one is more obscure, I think. I am afraid no where will ever really feel like home, so I don't want to give this place a chance in case it fails. Maybe that is stretching it a bit, but I think I can see how it might work.
3. I am envious! Yes, envious of my friends who are either doing grea things, preparing to do great things, or have already done great things! I'm not ready to settle down to a nice country life because I haven't SEEN anything, I haven't DONE anything! Why aren't I having great adventures, living by the seat of my pants? I'll tell you why: because I am boring. I am safe and predictable and putting money into a retirement fund, for pete's sake. That's just me, but sometimes I wish I could be more.
OK, enough ranting, I'm going to rebel right here in the Cadillac Public Library, where I'm getting ready to settle down with a nice fat book of Michigan foundations and scan 3-columned pages for the words "health, health care, medicine, building," etc. Sorry for the confused negativity, that's not my usual style, but sometimes you just get, well, restless.
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