One for the records

Look at this, another update so close to my last one! Well, when you are supposed to be spending the day researching foundations in the local library, and are just too darn efficient, you have to find a way to kill some time. Actually, I only have about 15 minutes left, so this will probably be short.

One of the more practical things for which I am now responsible is the maintenance (and payment!) for my car. Mitch and I settled on PLPD insurance for the trusty, rusty Probe (which, by the way, I have had since high school) because it's really not worth the premium on any other policy. So we're paying a mere $66 per month for me to legally drive, and we've decided we aren't going to put any more major money into it. Minor things that have gone wrong over the past few weeks, however, have included replacing the muffler, changing the brake pads, replacing the half shaft (don't ask because I only know what the mechanic-uncle of Mitch's tells me) and something about a ball joint and the fact that my whole wheel could have come off at any time. Hmmm. Total for all this will probably be about $250 which is acceptable, but it's getting to the point where if anything else goes wrong, it's hasta la vista for the Probe. The only thing holding up back from actually looking for a new car (preferably four-wheel drive, now that we are Northerners) is the insurance, which is unbelievably high for a 23 year old driver.

Funny side note, semi-related story: I got paged in the library today so Mitch's uncle could tell me about the ball joint. There's nothing like hearing your name over a loud speaker in a perfectly silent building. Makes you feel a bit sheepish.

On another side note, I have to go. There is a man next to me coughing like he's trying to expactorate a lung, and whenever he types he breathes really hard, like it's too much work. Working in a hospital, I really see the benefits of being healthy and active and eating right, because so many people don't and it is apparent. All right, I'm out before I catch whatever he has!

Toughing it out

So here's a brief update on what happened after my last post: I did call the Traverse Chamber and they had filled the position, which was disappointing. However, I had a great conversation with the vice president, who told me she thought of me often and wondered how I was doing, and offered to pass along my resume if she heard about anything in the area for which I might be a good match. That in itself was a load off my chest. I don't know how to explain it, but knowing that job is not an option in the near future kind of allowed me to get past it and concentrate on doing two things. Number one, making the best of my situation at the hospital and number two, exploring other options. One did come up, a marketing position at Spring Hill, but the job description didn't sound like something I would truly enjoy. So I'm keeping my eyes open and planning to keep in contact with the Chamber...I trust something will happen, eventually, and I'll just beep doing my best.

So that's that. Most of my attention is currently focused on my wedding, which is coming up in less than three weeks. I'm at my parents' house right now and have been working on centerpieces and programs for a good portion of the weekend. Things are coming along nicely, but it seems like the list of things to do gets longer rather than shorter each day. Still, any one who knows me knows how much I like planning every little detail of something, so you all know how much I am loving this!

I think I'm going to go back to being introspective for a moment. The whole concept of "home" is really puzzling me right now. Home was here, in South Lyon, but it didn't take long for home to be Alma, too. I come back here and it still feels like home, minus the fact that my room is now the guest room. I go to Alma occasionally and it doesn't really feel like home, but it is familiar and I miss it. I guess what I'm getting at is Cadillac does not feel like home, even though I live there. Part of that probably has to do with the fact that we have not made any friends outside of work, which is probably because we are not there on the weekends. But on the weekends we would be doing the same things we do during the week after work: go biking, go to the gym, work at the apartment...we don't go "out," and even if we did, I'm pretty bad at meeting people at bars or something because it's out of my comfort zone. I suppose we would go to church and meet people, if we were there on Sunday mornings, so that will probably help. I don't want to come back here, to South Lyon where the city is rapidly eating every square foot of land, and I don't want to go back to Alma because that was college and I'm not in college anymore, but I'm just not truly content where I am, either. Maybe if I could pick up my family and all of my friends and bring them there, then it would be home!

Part of not being content, for me, is to make up crazy dreams. I think Mitch and I should work for four years, then move out West and go back to school for our MBAs. I think we should consider taking Robin up on her dream of opening a Christian camp out West...what could be better than a partnership with some of our closest friends, spending time in nature and impacting young lives? I think we should say, "Damn the Man!" (though Mitch thinks now he's considered the Man because he is in banking) and move to the mountains. I think Adrienne shoudl stay out West when she goes for her clinical, and Mitch and I can move out there, after which he will get a cushy job and support our skiing habits. OK, not it's getting a bit far-fetched, but the first two weren't bad. Mitch says I just need to find a job I like. I say, I have what I thought I wanted (a nice job in a small town in Northern Michigan) but now I'm not ready to have that and I want some adventure!

All right, the wedding programs are almost all printed, so I better get going. Sorry the updates are not more frequent, but hopefully I get better about it.

*Sigh*

Well, the situation at work is not improving much. No longer is it a sense of being overwhelmed but rather a sense of boredom. Refer back to a post at the beginning of September, and that's the basic gist: my days are not full in the least. Generally, I spend a good couple of hours trying to find ways to keep busy either by emailing people on my work account (which is not really workable, always, because the thing I have to talk about most is work and my current discontent) or surfing the 'net aimlessly for anything that could be mildly entertaining yet still construed as being somewhat related to grants.

But here's the kicker: even when I do have stuff to do, I don't really enjoy it all that much. Yes, there is this twisted part of me that likes seeing words come together on a page to clearly communicate a concept, but even that is brief. I don't like the rest of it, the cold phone calls to foundations that have never heard of "Mercy Hospital Cadillac," smile-in-the-voice, and really have no clue why I would even think to call them. Gee, maybe it's because I have always HATED asking for money! What the heck am I doing in FUND DEVELOPMENT?!?!?

Following the crazy, emotional time back in September, I am now just plain bored. After discussing matters with my mom at the beginning of October, I decided to give this a shot until the beginning of next year and then, if I was still feeling this way, I figured I could start seriously looking for something else. Why the end of the year? Mitch's benefits, for which I will be enrolled, don't kick in until then and going without health insurance would not be a good idea.

I looked at the Traverse City Chamber of Commerce's website to see if they had anyone listed under the position for which they wanted to hire me, and nope, no one there! Now that does not mean they did not fill the position, but it kind of seems that way. Not to sound conceited, but they really wanted me. If two separate phone calls trying to convince me otherwise after I had decline the job does not say that, I don't know what does.

So I pray. A lot. I pray for God's guidance here, I pray that he will show me where to go. Last night I fell asleep in a combination of prayer and imagining; what would it be like if I tried to make a move to the Chamber? What would my days look like? Would Mitch and I move somewhere in between TC and Cadillac, where he is sure to be placed next month? Would they even consider me after I already turned down a job offer for them? Could I really tell my boss that this isn't working for me? I wonder if he'd understand...they say they hired me for my passion, but I'm not feeling passionate about this.

It's very easy to ask other people for their advice and listen to what they ahve to say. Mitch just got home and we talked about it...he's completely supportive of any choice I make and any adjustments we would have to make. I could call my parents right now and get very rational, common-sense advice from my father. But I try to pray and listen to God, and I'm never sure if I'm hearing him right. I thought he was leading me to Cadillac, to my current job. I know he works in mysterious ways, but would he lead me to one job, show me it's not for me, and lead me another way? Or was I not really listening to him then? Am I not really listening now? How, exactly, does one listen to God? I feel like I need to go into the woods and pray, by myself, and maybe then I'll be able to hear him, away from all other distractions.

So I'm going to pray about it, really hard. Am I supposed to try to move to a new job? When? Am I supposed to contact the Chamber soon and try to set something up for after January 1st, if there is anything available, or am I supposed to really truly give this job more of a chance and start looking and making contacts next year? I just don't know and I'm hoping I can open my heart up enough to hear what God has to say, because I really want to do his will, not mine. There's a line from the song Marc's singing at Mitch and my wedding that goes, "I'm allowed to live to make the maker smile," and I know it will make God smile when I follow him through life. So I'm trying. Hard.

TC-in' it

So today I'm hanging out in Traverse City, presumably researching foundations. Now yes, I will be doing some work, but first I figure I'd better catch up on some personal Internet stuff, since my access is so limited. This is actually a really nice break...I mean, I have to spend a good couple of hours pouring over foundation directories, but I also got to ride to work with Mitch, I'll be eating lunch with him and then we'll be having dinner up here. It's like a mini-vacation, sort of.

Day-to-day life has been pretty calm for me. Mitch and I go mountain biking regularly, and I'm really starting to see and feel a difference in myself. On the trails I'm much more aggressive and don't get quite so tired anymore, and off the trail I generally just feel better for getting out and doing something physical. We also do some balance ball workouts and other strength training stuff occasionally, and boy do my abs hurt from our last session! We're also having fun cooking dinner together, usually on our new grill! And now that we have some cookware and things from various bridal showers, we can actually make a variety of food. Just last night I made brownies, and the whole apartment smelled like chocolate for the entire evening! Mmmm, brownies...

Wedding plans are coming along nicely. I'm kind of behind on my to-dos, but that's an ambitious list anyway. This weekend we're heading down to Mitch's parents' house for another shower, this time with his family. Apparently the women are going to do shower things and the guys are going to Mitch's grandpa's property (about 100 acres) to "shoot stuff." My dad is kind of excited because he gets to bring his gun and Bobby's looking forward to it, too. After that it's bachelor party time for Mitch, and he'll be playing paintball with Baleja, Davenport, my bro, his bro and some teachers/students from Matt's school. They're meeting up with Pete, Chels and Gary later for an evening in Lansing, and they'll be back the next morning. Meanwhile, I'll be hanging out with Mitch's mom and sisters, making grapevine wreaths for the centerpieces along with my mom, Gramma Carol, Adrienne and maybe Dayna, if she comes. So we have a full weekend of excitement, and once again I'll spend all next week playing catch up with cleaning, ironing and such. But it's worth it...I love seeing our families and spending time with friends. Oh, one thing I forgot: Friday night we are camping with the Adventure Club! I'm pumped for that...there's nothing like sitting around a fire with some of the greatest people in the world. And I may even get to wear my Carhartt, finally! It's probably the warmest jacket in the whole world, but because it's a work jacket I can't really wear it around or I look like a true redneck. Yeehaw!

Well, I suppose I should get to work, since there will only be about two hours until I meet Mitch for lunch. Let's hope I find some good stuff!

Bouncing back

First off, Ryan, you are awesome. Thank you so much for your encouragement (and yes I changed my settings, because I was unaware they were not allowing you to post!) and things are getting better. I think I was being overemotional because of the intimidation thing. But I had a nice long crying jag with Mitch, who is wonderful to sit and lsiten to me. He really has a good sense, most of the time, about how much advice to offer and when to just give me a hug. Once I got it all out of my system, I was more rational and calmer. He pointed out that I just have to take things at work one step at a time, so that's how I approached things today and it seemed to be helpful. I also leaned a little more heavily on my boss than I have been doing, because I am not equipped to make major decisions on my own in terms of programs and how to go after funding, and I am also not willing to be a "middle man." By this I mean that I won't go to someone, find out their ideas, take them to Bryan, find out his thoughts, relay them back, and so on. Not yet, because I don't know enough about the way the organization works, etc.

I'd like to say I'll never doubt that I am following God's plan again, but I know that is impossible. I'm pretty fallible. I make a lot of mistakes and it is hard living my life in such a different manner than what I was used to. In fact, it's really only been a year since I consciously took hold of a journey of faith. But I'm learning more each day and God leads me purposely to things and people who will help me.

I'll close with my favorite Bible verse, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Intimidation

I hate finding out things you were not supposed to know. Employers keep certain things confidential for a reason, and people with no business saying anything should just keep their mouths shut, in my opinion. I was in a meeting at the beginning of the week with the education director at work, talking about some of her programs and picking up a grant proposal I wrote for her. I was talking about a concern I had in terms of a budget and mentioned wanting to be able to talk to other grant writers who had more experience, and she brings up this woman from Grayling, gushes about how successful she is, and told be she was actually the other candidate for my job. She said my boss’s biggest concern was that she lived in Grayling and was not planning to move…but she also told me that this other woman was actually her choice for the position.

OK, why, really, would you say something like that? It didn’t really get to me too much at the time…in fact, I thought the fact that they hired me, with no experience, over this woman with tons of experience was pretty incredulous. Now I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I’ve spent a lot of today trying not to cry when I think of how daunting the task ahead of me is. I’m not just writing grants…that would be too easy. I am trying to start up a whole grant writing campaign with no knowledge of how to do it, logistically speaking. I don’t know anything about the organization, what their priorities are, etc. etc. They hired me for my writing skills and my passion, according to what my boss and the CEO said. Well, I am thinking that they made a mistake. I’m not so sure the ability to put words on a page in a coherent fashion and a strong desire to tritely “make a difference” is enough to be successful in this job!

So I’m basically afraid they screwed up when they hired me and that they are going to regret it. I’m also afraid that I made the wrong decision, taking this job. The job in TC was so perfect…everything except the location, because of Mitch’s job. How large of an issue would that really be? He’s commuting from Traverse every day and we still have time to spend together in the evenings. We go biking, make dinner, relax, and all that stuff even though he has a long drive. What did I do?

I really felt, except for only a few days, that I followed God and took this job because it was where he was leading me. Now I’m not so sure if I really listened to him as well as I thought I did. I try to put my life in his control, I say I put my life in his control, but how do I know if I’m really doing that or not? How do I know when it’s my stubborn, fallible human mind that is telling me to do something and when it’s God? Yes, it seems pretty amazing that Mitch and I both got jobs that are technically in Cadillac (his training in TC won’t last forever!) and that I managed to get hired over someone with stellar experience. So this is God’s will, isn’t it? He does throw challenges into our lives and this is surely a challenge, and he wouldn’t want me to walk away from it, would he? It’s just that, in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I made the wrong decision.

I think it’s just the intimidation factor at work here: I’m intimidated by this unknown person who was technically more qualified for this job than me, but I got it anyway. I’m intimidated by the sheer size of the task ahead of me and by the fact that my boss is tremendously busy with all this other stuff and I feel like I am bothering him when I have questions…through no fault of his own, I must add in fairness. It’s just silly, stupid me. Look at me, getting all choked up again. I need to go home, curl up on the couch with my cat, and cry while I wait for Mitch to get home and assure me that this is all part of the plan.

Just to clarify...

I'm less obstinant today. At the behest of the wise Tim Slade, I am redoubling my efforts to read the Old Testament. I have to confess I blatently skipped over directions for building tabernacles and the like, since I don't see myself in that situation at any point, but reading the stories of the different people is really interesting. It's also helping me see that God will show me where I need to be, if I just LISTEN. Not that I'm expecting a burning bush on a mountain or anything, but I know something will tell me what to do in my life. I am convinced Mitch and I both ended up with jobs in Cadillac for a good reason, since it's kind of an obscure place to find two very good jobs, and I am trying to be content with that. And really, would I want to be plunging myself into the unknown? Not particularly. "If you are content to simply be yourself, you will become more than yourself," or something to that effect. Read that one in my little palm-sized New Testament while I was trying to get through a slow time at work.

On to something a little less pensive: Mitch and I went mountain biking up here for the first time last night! Let me tell you, it kicked my butt! Up and down, hill after hill after steep hill! I don't know what Grant was talking about...a "nice trail" my left knee! I was so tired, and here's the kicker: Mitch and I were not the most proficient at reading the map, so we ended up biking in the wrong direction and having to turn around and do the "hell in the woods" section ALL OVER AGAIN! Surprisingly, I'm not sore, though climbing the stairs at work brought a bit of pain. We're taking a night off from biking and working out with balance balls tonight after dinner...woo-hoo!

This weekend we're heading back to the old stomping grounds...that's right, Alma! Friday night we get to see Tim and Anna before they head off into the wild blue yonder...or Africa. Then we are going climbing (!) on Saturday (wall's open from 12:30-5:00, if anyone is interested) and taking Matt out to dinner for his birthday. Old man, he's going to be 23!

Well, I'm kind of sick of being at the computer, so I'm going to send a few more emails and be on my way!

Restless and ranting

Oh my, whatever am I going to do with myself. Life is so wonderful...I have what I've always wanted, or thought I wanted: a nice little town and a good job, a great place to settle down...ach, those words "settle down" are suddenly making me cringe! That's right, I'm feeling restless, like now that I am kind of settled I should be getting up and moving on. A conversation with Mitch last night revealed the possible causes:

1. Work is moving too slow. I haven't had much to do since the initial first blast of submitting two urgent grants, and I feel like I am not accomplishing anything. Plus, I'm missing the passion on which I thrive. This is way nerdy, but last year, working with SIFE to make such big changes, I really felt like I was making a difference. I loved it, I would have done it for my job if I could, and now I'm chained to a computer (without being allowed any personal websurfing, no less!) trying to figure out how to get money for projects I of which I will never be a significant part (other than the money thing, which I guess is way significant, but it's not the same as say, actually DOING a program). I need to feel like I am actually accomplishing something. And yes, this will come in time at work, and yes, I just have to be patient, but NO, I don't want to wait!

2. This one is more obscure, I think. I am afraid no where will ever really feel like home, so I don't want to give this place a chance in case it fails. Maybe that is stretching it a bit, but I think I can see how it might work.

3. I am envious! Yes, envious of my friends who are either doing grea things, preparing to do great things, or have already done great things! I'm not ready to settle down to a nice country life because I haven't SEEN anything, I haven't DONE anything! Why aren't I having great adventures, living by the seat of my pants? I'll tell you why: because I am boring. I am safe and predictable and putting money into a retirement fund, for pete's sake. That's just me, but sometimes I wish I could be more.

OK, enough ranting, I'm going to rebel right here in the Cadillac Public Library, where I'm getting ready to settle down with a nice fat book of Michigan foundations and scan 3-columned pages for the words "health, health care, medicine, building," etc. Sorry for the confused negativity, that's not my usual style, but sometimes you just get, well, restless.

Future vs. Past

So here's an explanation for anyone who really reads this thing...I can't do personal websurfing at work (GRRR) and I don't have a computer at my apartment (double GRRR) so I only get to post or check personal email at Mitch's apartment. So, if you need me, you'll want to email leccles@trinity-health.com, the work email. Nuff said.

So the job is going great, the area is gorgeous, and everyone is going back to Alma and making me a bit nostalgic. It didn't feel this way after high school because really, all my friends graduated with me, but now I have at least as many friends left at Alma as ones I graduated with. (Really awkward sentence, I'm cringing, but I spend all day reworking sentences and I'll be damned if I'll do it my Blog!) Kristy M. called me last night to tell me Shaking Tree was going to be at Alma that night and I should come, but stupid adult responsibilty and getting up early kept me home. I can't wait to go visit...I'm going to miss it a lot, I just know it. But I'm seeing my favorite globe-trotting couple next Friday (Tim and Anna, that's you!) and maybe some other Alma friends on Saturday. Hopefully Matt B. will be able to hang out, since it will be his b'day and all. Ach, and I talked to Lori C. today. What a great girl.

I don't exactly know how to put this strange feeling into words. Almost...wistful, I think. It seems to take me soooo long to feel like I really fit somewhere, and actually, until last year, I truly didn't really feel like I had a true PLACE at Alma. I really felt like I belonged, finally, and then I had to leave. How long is it going to take me to get that feeling in Cadillac, especially when I keep going home for wedding things or heading to Alma to keep up my friendships there? I wish I knew. There's this girl I work with who is a year older than me and moved to the area last year around this time. Now she has good friends up here and really seems to know what's going on in the area. Am I ever going to have that? It's pretty hard for me to make friends, good friends, and having all sorts of out-of-town obligations will not help that process. Geez, listen to me. I have a fabulous job. I get to see the love of my life every day. I live on a lake and get to watch the sun set. My family and friends are healthy and happy. I have a kitten who's the sweetest thing (except at 4 am). I could go on and on, so what am I complaining about? I'm going to shut up now and start making dinner, because Mitch will be home soon! Love to all, I miss you.

Full update time!

So, life's been an adventure since last weekend, when I moved in to my new (and first!) apartment in Cadillac. The actual moving was relatively painless, though there is still a box of books waiting to find its way to the shelves and some clothes hanger-less. The kitchen is a bit sparse, as I have barely any cookware, but once those shower gifts start rolling in, things will be just dandy. My favorite part about the apartment is the huge living room and the 8-foot slider that goes out on a balcony overlooking Lake Cadillac. There are some beautiful sunsets there, let me tell you.

On Monday I started my job at the hospital with new employee orientation. It was kind of tedious at times, and I managed to get stuck next to a smoker both days, but I got a lot of valuable information out of it. The director of HR is a Scottish guy with a badass brogue, so at least that was entertaining! My boss wanted me to go to a grant writing workshop at U of M Wednesday through Friday this week, but it was full when he tried to register me...I was bummed, but a space opened up and I cruised down here Tuesday night. Ann Arbor is kind of nice at 7:30 am, before traffic gets crazy and the strange people come out! Even at the early hour, the workshop is awesome. I'm learning so much and I really feel like I'll be prepared to get moving when I get back to Cadillac. Before, I was feeling a bit insecure...I told my boss he was crazy to hire a grantwriter who didn't know what she was doing, but now I actually feel like I might be learning!

By the way, Tim, I did not know what a shekel was, because my Old Testament reading is very limited. I'll get on that, though...and yes, Rachel & Leah is in print now. OSC is also writing a fourth book in the series, even though it was just supposed to be a trilogy, called Wives of Israel. I'm just salivating waiting for that to come out! You should really pick up Rebekah, NOW, because it is amazing.

So I'm here in South Lyon until Sunday, spending time with my family and celebrating my Aunt Shari and Uncle John's 25th wedding anniversary with a surprise "Marguritaville" party on Saturday! Yeah Jimmy Buffett! It should be really fun, complete with 25 pink yard flamingos and some inflatable palm trees! And my family will be really happy, because hey, "it's five o'clock somewhere!"

Nicely done!

First of all, I need to give a back AW YEAH to Timmy, who got the relatively obscure Guns 'n' Roses song lyric correct! Here's a new challenge for you, Tim, and an anyone else who wants to participate:

"It's the nexus of the crisis, and the origin of storms, just the place to hopelessly encounter time, and then came me."

Have at it, music-lovers! I have lots of news, but that's going to have to wait until I take care of a few things. Ciao!

Last day

Well, this is the last full day I will be living at home. Wow. Sometimes, when I stop to think about it, I'm a little shocked. And a little sad. As much as I am looking forward to settling into an awesome apartment and starting my new job, I'm still, well, feeling strange about moving out. Sometimes, as I'm driving though town, I wonder if anything else will ever feel like home. Everything is so familiar and attached to memories. Friday nights at the hifootball field...spring afternoons at the track...Panther practice by the softball fields...lunches at Brown's...bowling, ugh, at 700 Bowl...volleyball at McHattie...bike rides on the trails...swimming at Island Lake...ice cream at the Dairy Queen...everything I did with my best friends. Man. It's getting a bit emotional over here.

I have friends who travel all over, and one in particular told me as long as he has the love and support of his family and friends, it doesn't matter where he is. I am so blessed to have that. My family is the greatest, and my true friends will be with me even if I'm at the ends of the earth. Adrienne has been one of the greatest constants in my life, and we continue to make crazy memories with each other. That won't stop, because I'm not moving any farther from her! And Mitch...I'm ready to build my life with him, in our place, where we learn things together, make memories together. We'll have a place we like to go for rootbeer floats or whatever, we'll have a park where we hang out, we'll have favorite spots that are ours together, not mine that I'm sharing or vice versa.

OK, I know I've been rambling. There's this warm little furry kitten on my lap, and I don't want to get up because he's sleeping. Plus I need a break from packing. Wow, most of the day is already gone...I really need to get back to work. Motivation would be good right about now. All right, all right, I'm going to finish everything up so I can spend some quality time with my family on my last evening here. Adios.

Never ask a stubborn person to play chicken!

That's right, my best friend is home! We went mountain biking yesterday, which meant biking from our houses to the trailhead at Island Lake, riding the 6 mile trail, and biking home again. I was beat, but Adrienne-the-amazing-triathalete was feeling great! I love hanging out with her, even if it means I need a nap afterwards. Today we're rollerbalding 8 miles around Kensington, hopefully. I can handle that, no problem!

I am acquiring more and more stuff for my new apartment. Bookcase, TV stand, iron, and ironing board are now added to the coffee table, dining table (free from parents!) and folding chairs, papasan chair, and sweet floor lamp. I don't think I need to spend any more significant cash...I just need to get suitable frames for some posters to decorate the room that will be my "office" (heehee) and I think I should be set!

"Time just fades the pages in my book of memories"

OK, if anyone can name the artist and/or song that lyric came from, you deserve a really big prize. I'll be really impressed...

Yesterday was an awesome day. Seeing as I'll be moving to Cadillac next weekend, Dad set a world record by telling me that I did not have to mow the lawn and that I should just go out to the lake and have fun! Whoa! So Mitch, Matt and I headed out there, eventually joined by Ryan and Courtney. I got super sunburned driving the boat for a good part of the afternoon and truly enjoyed all the swimming and laughing. Dinner brought more hilarious conversations, stories and reminiscing...those are the times I love best. And the evening had just begun at that point.

So after dinner, Bobby hears about a volleyball game happening up at McHattie and though Mitch and Matt had already left, Court, Ryan and I decided to head up there. Instead of playing jungleball with a bunch of younguns, Ryan called Brian Lee and then informed me that Bob was in town. Now, ever since he broke up with Adrienne, I have not spoken to Bob at all. We kind of clashed, even though I always considered him one of my friends, but when a guy breaks my best friend's heart and has been being a dick in their relationship for the past year (at least), well, it's hard to try to maintain any sort of friendship. Still, I've been praying for him since they broke up, hoping that he will be able to find happiness and a higher purpose in his life (he had some issues with/bitterness about religion). I was torn between excitement at seeing someone I hadn't in awhile and apprehensiveness at how he would react to me, but it turned out to be a great time. We played volleyball for awhile, then Bob suggested we go get Dairy Queen, like old times. Every summer since high school graduation, we've played co-ed fours at McHattie, and often our games concluded with ice cream. We have some many jokes, like the little tables at DQ for NBA players, and we rehashed a lot of them sitting around with ice cream cones and slushies.

When I got home, I took a shower (I had almost forgotten the feeling of McHattie sand stuck to my legs and feet!) and was talking to Amanda on the phone when Bobby called and said everyone was over at Bob's and wanted me to come over. When I got there, we went to Buffalo Wild Wings - a plan Bobby did not inform me of, since he said I wouldn't have come if I knew they were going out. It turned out to be even more fun, and as I sat around the table with Ryan, Bob, Brian and Bobby, everything from the last four years came flooding back. We talked about songs we used to sing (Blink 182, Nelly...), traditions we've lost (Fourth of July volleyball, summer camping trips...), and funny times we've had (Central/Western weekend, hanging out at the lake...). We talked about how everything is different this summer since no one but Ryan and I are really around South Lyon anymore, and though it never came up, we all knew that after Bob and Adrienne broke up, things couldn't be the same anymore, even if the whole crew came home again.

I was never sad, reminiscing everything, and I don't really miss what we shared because I know we will always have the memories. Change just happens, and while I may have moments of being wistful for old times, the new times are just as good. I'm jsut so thankful to have had yesterday because I got to see an old friend, the friend I liked. Not the friend who hurt my best friend, not the friend who doesn't like my fiance, but the friend I can laugh with and joke with, the friend I shared crazy times with, the friend I want to remember when I look back.

"Mosts" of the day

Most comforting feeling: Having a kitten curled up on your lap
Most relaxing experience: Getting a professional massage
Most frustrating task: Finding a honeymoon spot
Most relieving moment: Officially accepting a job in Cadillac
Most exciting thoughts: Moving in and decorating an apartment, which happens to be right on Lake Cadillac
Most difficult conversation: Turning down a job offer from the Traverse City Chamber of Commerce while the vice president tries to convince you otherwise

Almost...have a...JOB...

Yeah, ALMOST. I had a meeting with the fund development guy, Bryan, at the Mercy Hospital, and he basically said, "OK, time to run this through HR." Well, not exactly like that, but he took me to meet the CEO, took me to lunch with the rest of the fund development staff (awesome people...Bryan and two other young women who are really nice!), and told me he thought I was the best fit for the position. He'll be calling me tomorrow or the next day to report on HR's progress, so I guess I'm going to have a job soon! Yay!

So after this, I called on an apartment that I have been drooling over since Mitch and I went apartment hunting for him (it's RIGHT ON LAKE CADILLAC). I'm going to check that out at 5:00 pm, so in the meantime I'm hanging at Mitch's in Tustin. I also went and checked out this cute little house, which is also right on the lake, but Mitch says I can't have it because it has electric heat. I'm not conviced that makes it out of the question, but it depends how much I like these apartments.

OK, it's pretty warm in this room, so I'm going out to sit on our new couch and read a book. Yes, we bought a couch this weekend, at Jay's Furniture Barn. It's very cool, a nice big sectional in neutral tones. Mitch and I had quite the adventure/test getting it up into his apartment by ourselves, but luckily I only lost a little bit of skin and he only got frustrated with me once. I think we're going to make it, folks.

Holding my breath...

Cadillac called...they want me to come up for a "visit" next week, to "meet some people" and answer some more questions. Oh boy. This must be a good thing...right? I wish they'd just hire me already!

The wheels are turning

Well, the hospital in Cadillac called me yesterday afternoon and informed me that I am in the top two candidates and that the decision will be very difficult. They are aware that Traverse City will be letting me know by August 3, so if the decision is in my favor I think they'll let me know before that. Right now I am leaning toward taking the Cadillac job, if it is offered to me. Reasons for that:
1. Living and working in the same community would make it easier to meet people, put down roots, get involved, etc.
2. Easier to find housing in Cadillac than somewhere in between Cadillac and TC
3. Less drive time, which means more time for Mitch and I to spend together and do fun things
4. The hospital's mission embraces values similar to mine and (from what I have seen in my interviews) really adheres to them in all they do
5. Mitch and I could actually do volunteer firefighting if we were both in Cadillac, like we've been talking about for awhile

There are more reasons, too, but those are some of the biggies. Not that I have truly taken this into consideration, but the pay is significantly more in Cadillac...still, even with all these reasons laid out, I can only say I am about 80% sure. The actual job in Traverse City just sounds so awesome. I've been praying hard about it, trying to open my heart and trust enough so that God will show me which path he wants me to take. There's a Caedmon's Call song called "Faith My Eyes" that I call to mind whenever I want a guide as to how I live my life. "So keep 'em coming, these lines on the road, and keep me responsible, be it a light or heavy load, and keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise, and I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes." So, I'm trying to handle this situation the same way.

On to other things, today I think I'll take a bike ride. I'm trying to get in better shape, which is why I keep bugging Mom to do pilates with me every night. We are not good about the "every night" thing but we're trying. Bobby lets me ride his bike, since it is better than Mom's, so I've been doing some more mountain biking and just biking in general when there is no one around to hit the trails with me. It's going to be nice and hot today, so maybe I'll ride over to Island Lake, take a swim, read a book, and hang out. A workout and relaxation...sounds like a good afternoon to me!

Speaking of reading, I just finished "Sarah" by Orson Scott Card. It's a fictional interpretation of Sarah from the Bible and it's really neat because the author sticks close to Genesis but fleshes out the characters and their lives very well. He's written two other books to complete a Women of Genesis trilogy: "Rebecca" and "Rachel and Leah." I think I'm just going to devour them!

OK, time to go give my kitten some attention! He is growing fast and soon he won't be so little anymore! But he's so sweet, I can't help cuddling him and playing with him. Sometimes when he's sleeping and I pick him up, he stretches really big and yawns really big, and it makes me laugh. He's got really soft fur on his tummy, too, and he lets me pet it when he does that. Awww, sappy, I know...

Rainy Day Blues

It's terribly lonely here in the daytime. Obviously Mom and Dad are working, and who knows where Bobby goes, especially on a rainy day like this when he can't stripe parking lots or anything. So it was just me and the pets...thank goodness Chip is so social and likes to cuddle, or I would be really lonely. I can't wait to be done waiting, to have a job, to move, to have something to do besides housework.

The weekend can't come soon enough. I'm going to Mitch's parents' house in Carson City, where we'll both spend the weekend and go to Dave and Mariah's wedding reception on Sunday. I'm tempted to go up to Cadillac for the week, but there's nothing to do there, either, if I'm not interviewing or apartment/house hunting. I'ms just BORED. And LONESOME. The public library is my best friend at the moment...I'm checking out books and reading them like a crazy person.

I need a project. I'll finish my scrapbook tomorrow, maybe get some good paper and do the wedding announcements. I could probably figure out what I need for the programs and get some of it from Hollander's in Ann Arbor, but other stuff I need to get in Alma at the scrapbooking store. The owner is nice and I think he'll order stuff in bulk for me. OK, enough of this, it's dinnertime!

So I planned to write a lot last night, but I got distracted by my kitten, Chip. Remember that wierd character in American Beauty who was obsessed with the plastic bag? Well, Chip found a Meijer bag and played with it for a good half an hour...there's something really entertaining about a kitty pouncing on a bag, getting stuck, and dragging it around the room! He's really cute and sweet, so I thought I should play with him since he was home all day by himself.

Anyway, I think I can remember what I was going to talk about. Basically, I have been turning over the Cadillac vs. TC debate in my head since I got that email from the hospital, and it's driving me nuts! But, while I was laying in bed last night, I found some peace. I realized that I shouldn't look at this as a decision, persay. If I had to opportunity to take either job (which at this point I don't because I haven't heard from Cadillac) then I just have to find God's path for me. Kind of takes some weight off my shoulders, knowing that I can trust God to show me where I should go. In a way I can see him working even as I semi-agonize over this. I was so enthusiastic about this TC job; I was ready to take it and make it fit into my life, Mitch's life, and our life together. I really didn't look at anything except the job itself, but now, since I have more time than they led me to believe at first, I am looking at other things. Like being a part of a community, how much time Mitch and I would get to spend together, the values and goals of the organization, etc. etc. So, even though I was frustrated when TC called and said they wouldn't know for sure until August 3, I now see that as a positive thing because I have time to consider the alternatives.

It's kind of hard to explain the things that go through my mind, especially about God and religion since I feel relatively new to the faith that is growing inside me. There's a song, though, by a band called Ten Shekel Shirt (What is a shekel? Can anyone tell me?) that pretty much describes the way that I feel, both now and when I look back on my life before this past year:

As a child I remember things that just can't be explained away,
On the journey here unseen things seem to appear.

Maybe I have always known You,
I just didn't know it,
I have always wondered,
Why the wind seemed to call to me.

All my life,
And in fine form tonight,
Your love's been near,
Like a whisper loud and clear.

The silence may not cry out with sound, but,
It speaks Your name, Your names
And the dreaming of a better place, it rests deep in me,
You'd think this was meant to be.

Maybe I have always known You,
I just didn't know it,
I have always wanted all that you want for me.

Maybe I have always known You,
I just didn't know it,
I have always wanted,
Wanted you more than anything.

I remember feeling these pulls, every once in awhile, so powerful and strong yet quieter than the softest whisper. Once I was driving and I got this feeling telling me there was something else out there. I felt like I should just keep driving and driving and I would find it. That’s how it happened mostly, an urge to physically go somewhere far away and find something. Another time I was standing on the shores of Lake Michigan, and it was cool and gray, and I was there with someone who could stand right next to me yet still make me feel all alone. I felt this tug again and I wondered what it would feel like to start walking into the water, letting the waves that lapped at my toes curl around my ankles, knees, waist, until I was swimming farther and farther. I would find something, I was sure of it.

Other times, I would be outside in the woods, hearing the wind whisper through the trees. I would close my eyes and feel like I was a part of the wind, moving freely; and I never wanted to open my eyes because I would lose what I had been seeking. I couldn’t hold on to it and something inside me would ache because I still hadn’t found that “something else.” Well, over the past year, I've found "something else" and I'm trying to hold onto it for all I'm worth.